


We're All Doomed

by TheMarySue



Category: Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim
Genre: Based on Player Character, Crack, F/F, F/M, M/M, Parody, Satire, immature
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-16
Updated: 2017-04-27
Packaged: 2018-08-31 10:29:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8574835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheMarySue/pseuds/TheMarySue
Summary: The fate of the world is left up to them. A Khajiit who thinks he's a Wood Elf and is obsessed with the number three and doesn't wear clothes, but he is also the Dragonborn. A Redguard who has definitely played this game before and is wearing a strap-on for...we don't know. It's as if someone was only viewing her from the back after testing a sex mod and forgot to take it off the entire time. And an Argonian who is so stunningly sexy, he's basically cheating at life. These unlikely heroes are the world's only hope.Completely based off a true story. Played in a fictional world.





	1. The Unlikely Heroes

**Just outside Whiterun…**  
“By the gods, you’re…Dragonborn!” the guard gawked.  
The Khajiit’s ears perked up and his head snapped to the guard. “Hatlu is not dragon,” he said, “Hatlu is an elf.”  
“No, that’s not—“ the guard began, “Hold on, did…Did you just say you’re an elf?”  
“Hatlu is an elf!”  
“Are you…speaking in third person?”  
“Hatlu LIVES!”  
“I know, I know. Which is amazing and all, but…” the guard looked the Khajiit over. It was so strange to see this creature here. The bright orange cat had just beat a dragon to death with his fists. He had no armor except for two steel plate gauntlets. In fact, he had nothing on but these gauntlets. The guard had been doing his best to avoid looking down the whole fight, but the thought now caused him to involuntarily steal a glance. He immediately regretted everything that brought him to this point.  
“Why don’t you try shouting? That would prove you’re Dragonborn!” another guard offered.  
Hatlu considered this. He did feel something strange within him. Something that had resonated with him in Bleak Falls Barrow. Something besides the crazy amounts of sex he and Sven had had (which was fine because “no homo” was in fact said beforehand). Hatlu sucked in his breath and let out a tremendous cry.  
“AIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!”  
One of the guards slowly uncovered his ears which he had impulsively clasped his hands over to protect him. “Yes…I mean, that’s not exactly what I meant. That was just you yelling.”  
“HATLU IS DRAGONBORN!” cried the Khajiit triumphantly and he immediately ran off towards the city once more.  
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=  
**Meanwhile, in Riften…**  
“You there, lass,” Brynjolf called out, he saw the Redguard woman from behind. He had first noticed her dainty and delicate hand slip a necklace off the table of Madesi’s stall and into her pocket. It was incredible. She stopped and turned only her head. “Never worked and honest day in your life for all that gold you’re carrying.”  
The girl now turned around all the way to face him. “My wealth is none of your business.”  
Brynjolf’s draw dropped at the sight of her. She was…She was…  
Wearing a massive strap-on.  
She snapped her fingers at him. “You gonna say somethin’, white boy?” she asked.  
“I, uh…” Brynjolf suddenly found himself at a loss for words. Years of persuasion, intimidation, bribery, and conning had not prepared him for this. He did even have an escape route planned. He should have taken Vex up on that offer to act as a wing woman, but he just never thought he’d need it. He literally could never have imagined meeting a woman in the marketplace who so freely wore a dick longer than his forearm on top of her otherwise conservative armor.  
“I haven’t got all day, sweetheart,” she said.  
The only thing he could think to do was to scream, “WHY ARE YOU WEARING A STRAP-ON?”  
“My strap-on is none of your business.”  
“But I’m so confused! What’s going on? Who are you? Why?”  
“Oh, I’m sorry, have you never met a strong woman before? Or what, a woman can’t just walk around with a leather dick on her crotch? Well, excuse me for not conforming to your conservative Nord ways!”  
“They don’t do this _anywhere_!” he was practically in tears.  
“Oh, so you’re just afraid of change, then, are you? You think that you’re too good for fashion or something? You can go fuck yourself. Or here, I’ll do it for you! WITH MY BIG DICK!”  
“I don’t know why but I think I actually want that!” he was actually in tears.  
“Alright, fine, I’ll join,” she began to giggle, “My name’s Niasha. It’s nice to meet you!”  
“Wait, what? Oh, uh, well, I need you to-“  
“Steal Madesi’s ring and plant it on Brand-Shei, done.”  
“What? But how…?”  
“Oh, I have my ways. See you in the Flaggon, latter, Bryn!” she winked and blew him a kiss.  
Brynjolf stood there with more questions than answers.  
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=  
**Back in Whiterun…**  
“A stranger comes to our halls,” the harbinger of the companions looked up as the Argonian strolled in. A strange sight to see. He had hair. Actual hair. It was long and flowing and blew in the breeze despite the fact that there was none. It blew sexily anyways.  
“By the gods! You’re beautiful!” Vilkas swooned.  
“I know I am,” the Argonian replied, flipping his hair. Both men swooned.  
“Tell me, most beautiful and exquisite warrior, what is your name?”  
“My name,” said the manliest argonian in the world, “Is Yo Mama.”  
“What a majestic name,” moaned Vilkas.  
And so Yo Mama joined the Companions.  
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=  
**Elsewhere in Whiterun**  
“Hatlu killed a snake!”  
“I’m sorry, you what?” the Jarl looked around at the other attendants of the court. A guard whispered in his ear. “Oh, yes, the _dragon_. Good. But tell me, did anything—“  
“Hatlu is Dragonborn!” Hatlu announced excitedly.  
“What do you know about Dragonborn?”  
“FUS!”  
“By the gods!” the Jarl gasped, “What kind of cruel games are they playing where they allow someone like you to be…Dragonborn?”  
“HATLU LIVES!”  
The Jarl pressed his hand to his forehead. He knew that this was the end of the world. The dragons returning to Skyrim. A country on the verge of civil war. And now this…lunatic ends up being Dragonborn.  
“Hatlu is off to speak with old people now. Goodbye!” And so the Khajiit ran out of the palace, grabbing Lydia by the wrist to drag her along with him.  
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=  
**Meanwhile Back in Riften**  
As Haelga fell to her knees from the woman’s powerful blow, she was immediately struck across the face with her massive dick.  
“Ah, why is it wet?” Haelga spat.  
“It’s because I’m wet for you, baby,” Niasha whispered in a rather seductive manner.  
“Oh gods, no. Here,” she tossed a coin purse at the girl’s feet. “Take your money, I hope you choke on it.”  
“And I hope you choke on…MY BIG DICK!” Niasha yelled as she left the Bunkhouse. She smiled to herself. “And that’s why I wear the strap-on.”  
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=  
**Meanwhile in Jorrvaskr**  
A man ran into Jorrvaskr sobbing, and threw himself at Aela. “Please, Companion, tell me, who is your strongest warrior.”  
“That would be Yo Mama,” she replied.  
The man froze and looked at her. He stood up and hrmphed and walked away. “If you’re going to be rude about it, I’ll take my business elsewhere!”  
Aela sighed and shook her head. “Why does that keep happening?”


	2. What?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Literally nothing important happens in this chapter. It does not serve to progress the plot in any way, shape, or form.

**High Hrothgar**  
"Dragonborn, welcome to High Hrothgar. But can you prove you're Dragonborn?"  
>>A wild Greybeard appeared!  
>>Hatlu used splash.  
>>...  
>>But nothing happened.  
>>Greybeard used Questioning Stare.  
>>-3 HP!  
>>Hatlu used FUS!  
>>It's super effective!  
>>-10000000 HP!  
>>Greybeard was satisfied!  
>>Greybeard fled!  
>>Hatlu gained 500 XP!  
>>Hatlu learned RO!  
>>Hatlu learned WULD!  
**Meanwhile at Goldenglow**  
The mercenaries looked out over the lake. Everything seemed calm. Well, except for the excessive amount of arrows in the current today. That was odd. But probably nothing was wrong.  
"So, Radgur, how's your family?" asked one of the mercenaries.  
"Oh, you know. Not great, Hrodir. Me and the wife are having trouble getting pregnant and my brother was a guard up in Whiterun, but not anymore."  
"Oh, no. Did he take an arrow to the knee? I heard that's a big problem lately." Suddenly, an arrow came flying out of nowhere and embedded itself into Hrodir's knee.  
"Oh, no. He was eaten by a dragon."  
"OH GODS MY FUCKING KNEE!"  
"You know, guards are the new red shirts."  
"OH FUCKING SHIT! I DIDN'T THINK IT WOULD HURT THIS MUCH!"  
"I mean. I'll miss him, sure. But I think he was going to side with the empire and I'm kinda thinking about joining up with the Stormcloaks. Oh, you know, politics."  
"WHY GODS WHY?!"  
"You okay? What is it?"  
"Oh, it's probably just my imagination."  
Just then, both men were impaled upon a leather dick as Niasha jumped up out of the water and turbo thrust herself into their stomachs.  
"SUCK ON MY DICK, BITCHES!" She cried and continued running off and around Golden Glow.  
**In a Crypt Somewhere**  
After making much love, Farkas and Yo Mama continued on their way. Not even the dragr would touch them because of Yo Mama's elegant and manly locks of golden hair. They admired his emerald skin with the markings of bright pink on his face. Skeletons swooned so hard they fell apart.  
Finally, they reached an inner sanctum. Upon sexily pulling a lever, Yo Mama found himself trapped behind a cage door. Farkas rushed over.  
"It's okay," said Yo Mama, "we can still touch tips from here."  
But then they were so RUDELY interrupted right in the heat of their second round of love making.  
But it was fine because the Silver Hand joined in upon seeing the sheer excellence of Yo Mama.  
**Meanwhile in Riften**  
After mentally making out with Brynjolf for about a half hour, Niasha finally went to talk to him about it.  
"Oh, hey, there. It's you," Brynjolf said rather uncomfortably.  
"OH HEY THERE BRYN DIDN'T SEE YOU."  
"Really? Because you totally just started a conversation with me."  
"What? Oh I mean I did the Goldenglow thing, it's no big deal, haha, whatever."  
"Okay...well...good job. Keep up the good work."  
"You got it sex kitten."  
"Um. Okay."  
**Meanwhile in Mid Air**  
"Wheeeee!!!"  
Hatlu had decided to jump off of the Throat of the World for about the twentieth time. It was a little bit concerning to everyone watching. Somehow, the Kahjiit wasn’t dying. Upon landing at the bottom, Hatlu immediate began to punch the first thing he saw to death with his bare paws. No one quite understood why any of this was happening.  
When he finally stopped, Hatlu stood in one place for three hours, loudly exclaimed “JUST THREE!” and ran into the nearest home and proceeded to steal all their sweet rolls.  
Again, no one quite understood what was going on.  
**Meanwhile at the Imperial Legion**  
“I’d like to join the Legion,” the Argonian said. He was so beautiful. Immediately, everyone in the room swooned so hard that they died. “Not again!” cried Yo Mama. He left the city and began to race towards Windhelm.  
**A Little Later in Windhelm**  
“I’d like to join the Stormcloaks…?” Yo Mama said.  
Luckily, Ulfric Stormcloaks firm attraction to Nords prevented him from swooning so hard that he died, however, he did immediately pop a boner.  
“OH NO YOU DON’T!” came the cry. Everyone gasped as the Redguard woman came sprinting into the room. She jumped up onto the table and ran across it, having no regard for the excessive amount of food that was already there. Her leather dick blowing in the breeze. “I would like to join the Stormcloaks!”  
Yo Mama gasped, “You! You aren’t affected by my beauty!”  
“I AM A STRONG AND INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I WILL NOT BE SWAYED BY YOUR MASCULINE BEAUTY!” she roared and punched him with her dick.  
“I was here first!” he retorted, not unused to having a dick hit him in the face.  
“But I’m better.”  
“But I’m prettier.”  
“WELL MA DICK IS BIGGER! And that’s really what being a Stormcloak is about.”  
“You can both join, you know,” Ulfric said.  
“NO THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE!” they cried in unison and then began to aggressively make love on the floor of the palace, yelling racial slurs about every race but their own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I literally have no idea what I'm doing. Why do you people like this?


	3. THREE DRAGONBORNS?!?! Yeah, actually. I just spoiled the chapter for you. SUCK IT.

**Meanwhile in Riften**  
With Naisha gone, Brynjolf could finally relax. He was chatting up the white women in the Bee and Bard and, after a few drinks, telling them all about his brave feats. And then one of them, a relatively attractive woman with dark hair and for some reason wearing extremely revealing armor that definitely didn’t belong in this time period (he could tell from the tight-fitting bodysuit and high heels). However, she was clearly a Nord and he guessed that in a world where Skyrim was merely fictional, she would be one of the characters who was most sexualized.  
“You have to help me,” she whispered, clearly trying to look like she wasn’t talking to him, “It’s the guy I’m with, he—“  
Brynjolf sobered up a bit, remembering Sapphire. In an instant, he was ready to help.  
“What is he doing, lass? He’s making you wear that, isn’t he? What kind of perverted monster is he?” and, for an instant, Brynjolf wished Niasha was there. She would teach this guy a lesson.  
“Please, I’m his housecarl. He’s back there. The cat.”  
Brynjolf turned around cautiously, trying to act casual, taking a sip of his ale in the process, which was a terrible idea, because he immediately spat it back out. Standing there, in nothing but a rhinestone bikini, was a bright orange Khajiit emptying out hundreds of sweetrolls into the tavern.  
“JUST THREE!” he cried.  
“NO YOU STUPID CAT! THAT’S MORE THAN THREE!” his housecarl cried, grabbing Brynjolf’s ale and downing it.  
The Khajiit’s ears perked up. “LYDIA!” he cried, “I FOUND YOU!! MY TURN!”  
“Son of a--!” Lydia groaned and slammed her head down on the table she began to count.  
“HATLU HIDES!” he dove into the pile of sweet rolls and disappeared for a few seconds. Then came the cry of “FUS!” and the room erupted in creamy cakey goodness. When the massive amounts of cumbs and frosting finally settled, sparing no one from its gooey covering, the Khajiit was nowhere to be found.  
Brynjolf turned and ordered three more ales for himself alone.  
 **Elsewhere in Riften**  
Holding hands and skipping joyously down the streets of Riften, Naisha and Yo Mama stumbled their way into a mass of sweetrolls coming from the Bee and Bard.  
“I do believe the tavern is out of order,” Yo Mama said, flipping his golden locks.  
“This looks like a job for us: the racist best friends!” Naisha said, flipping her massive cock.  
“I’m so glad that after four straight days of straight love making straight, we became best friends over our shared bond of hating elves and most humans.”  
“And orcs.”  
“Fuck orcs.”  
“They’re like burley elves.”  
“That’s exactly what they are.”  
“Well, I suppose it’s time we saved these assholes from all these sweet rolls. Stand back, I’ve got this!” Naisha stretched and took a deep breath. Then, a squeaky voice came from her strap on. “Fus Ro Dah!” yelled the dick and the sweet rolls went flying all different ways.  
“THIS CANNOT BE!” cried Yo Mama, looking dramatically off into the distance.  
“What is it?” Naisha asked feeding her dick a treat and giving it a little pat on the head.  
“You! You’re…You’re…Dragonborn!”  
“Oh, yeah, I should have mentioned that, oops, my bad. Oh, I forgot to introduce you. This is Richard, MY BIG DICK!”  
“Ha.” Richard greeted politely, which roughly translates to “Hi.”  
“But…That’s not possible! For…I AM DRAGONBORN!” Yo Mama said, dramatically looking into the distance, but this time in a different direction so as to increase the drama.  
“DRAGONBORN??” came the shout, “HATLU IS DRAGONBORN!!” a bright orange Khajiit crawled out from underneath a bench.  
“We can’t all be dragonborn!” Yo Mama gasped, draping himself over the banister, with his heavenly locks blowing gently in the breeze.  
“Sure we can,” Naisha shrugged, “Guess that means…WE SHOULD ALL TEAM UP!”  
And it was so!  
However, Lydia came charging out of the Bee and Bard and tackled Hatlu into the canal, winning their game of hide and seek.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So throughout my many days of Skyrim modding, I had acquired many mods that didn't really make any sense and a handful of items and features that I didn't use. One of these was a massive strap on. My friend decided to create the most beautiful character on my game and then we had Naisha, a Redguard with the most beautiful face and body and hair. We had spent hours making her and finding the perfect armor for her. And, of course, that was all ruined when my friend found the strap on. Our serious play-through of the game as a rogue was forever changed when we simply put a strap on on the character. And soon enough Naisha was her own, independent woman with a massive dick that was always on over her armor.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, y'all. This is literally trash, but hopefully I'll eventually find some way to salvage it later, ha! Anyways, this is the first story I'm posting which does not make a good impression whatsoever on me. At least it lowers your standards.  
> Anyways, I've had Hatlu, Yo Mama, and Niasha as characters in Skyrim for a while and decided that they needed to be brought to life in a fic. So here you go! Thanks for reading, you're all lovelies!


End file.
